if i fail, let me be wormfood.

i was REALLY in my feelings about this last week but spent some time letting the thoughts percolate, and you know what, i AM going to do a thorough, bottom-to-top overhaul/edit/rewrite/whatever of P vs NP.

P vs NP was written in short bursts: first between 2014 and 2015, then in 2016, then in 2019, then in 2020, and finally in 2021. this is a very long series of stretches between years, during which my writing has changed in terms of both process and end result. in spite of the editing i’ve done on individual parts, this fic still has never gotten one single cohesive editing pass as whole so you know what, 2023 might as well be the year for it.

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wow, it's been a while. to get right into it, this post was sparked specifically because earlier today i drove a nice big loop around the area — incidentally, it was the same drive i referenced at the end of this post. truly mindblowing how life changes.

in any case, hi, i'm writing rvb longfic again (hi writing rvb longfic again), i have navel-gazey thoughts on writing itself.

( wuh oh how does markdown work again )

DW still feels like a nicer place to put Fic Thoughts than tungle, even though i'm using tungle regularly again. i should go back to putting fic thoughts here. :B

i'm re-editing part I of S11 au ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

that's it. that's the post.

( drags hands down face )

yep! yep. i'm callin' it done. gdocs is clocking in at 103,773 words (which is inaccurate for a few reasons, but close enough). i'm waiting until tomorrow to post it, just in case i suddenly think of something to change.

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i'm in the thick of editing S11 au right now, and it's occurred to me that i've never edited on quite such a large scale before - S11 au is currently clocking in at about 97k words, and while it's technically complete, i have one major gap to fill (gap as in "i did not write the transition from A to B, and i have to write it now), and then a lot of little things to tie up and conversations for characters to have. i keep finding things that i need to embellish or add, and it's actually an incredibly enjoyable process!

my current knot of loose ends to untangle has to deal with reconciling canon events, though, and the question is: do i describe events as they transpired in canon, or do i let the reader do it themself?

( spoiler alert: this question has no one true answer )

i'm... done??? i'm done with part iii of S11 au. wow. i'm done with the thing.

this is in need of severe edits and is metaphorically being held together with spit and prayers, but it's DONE. turns out all i needed was a solid shove and to stop being scared of finishing this.

wow. boy. time to put this away for a bit and then start patching up the extensive holes in this thing. current count is 95,312 words, and i have plenty of things that need expanding on.

( edit now that i've had a snack and some time to think )

boy, i burned myself out so bad. so so so bad. i'm still gonna leave off working on it for a while, but i'm back to the point now where i'm kinda ambiently thinking about it - half-daydreaming out small things here and there, etc. i figured out how i want to do a Big Moment in a way that feels natural for everyone involved, and i'm really itching to write it. i'm planning on just dumping it into a note on my phone so that i don't feel like i've got to, like, immerse myself back in the meat of the fic, and now that i'm writing this out i'm really really itching to do it.

other than that, the plan for easing back into this fic is gonna be to get down some notes on paper - first write down what i remember as being the big relevant plot points, then write up a completely fresh set of notes for moving forward, without consulting old notes. and then i'll go back and pick through the doc.

that being said, destiny's new season launches on tuesday and that absolutely has wild-card potential to derail me entirely and spawn some fic, so we'll see (and honestly... here's hoping it burns enough of a hole in me to want to write more fic).

oof, writing has been hard this week. i've been writing, though! it feels good to know i'm writing even when it feels bad to write. i've been doing 15-minute sprints with a friend pretty regularly and it is so #validating to see my word count tick up and to know i'm making progress. even when it feels like shit.

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(i need to stop trying to make witty titles.)

anyways, i started doing writing sprints with a friend and why did i never do this before. this has been such a sledgehammer for every block i've run into in the past week or so (which, wildly enough, has been a lot of blocks). this is so much fun. seriously, why in all hells did i not do this before.

( the writing about writing about writing part )

( and for a short fragment from tonight's sprint that i liked: )

i'm stuck on a chunk of exposition early into part iii of S11 au and it's a sucky feeling. i'm at a good place to refresh wash's (and the audience's) knowledge of goings-on, but i can't find a good way to get it all out. i haven't written in a week and it feels bad.

( :( )